In the weeks following K's birth I had every intention of keeping the blog going. I was lucky enough to stay home with her for almost six months. Finding the time was not really an issue. To be honest, I don't really know why, at first, I stopped blogging. But I can tell you that after awhile I realized this blog would have held me accountable for my eating/working out and I did not want that at all.
For the past seventeen months I have thought about how I would start the blog. I mean literally, what I would say. Even as I sit down tonight there are so many angles I want to come from...so overwhelming.
For example: even coming up with a title for this new, "first" blog has given me pause. Early on it was something like "Isn't she gorgeous!" Later on, and more recently, it is more like "you know you have a problem when you are hiding food," or "My a-ha moment." How about "nothing motivates you more than people telling you that you look good!"
What have I been doing over the last seventeen months? Well, I have fallen madly in love with my daughter. As I type this I am misting up just thinking about how much I love her. At 17 months I swear she is the smartest little thing. She can say "Mama, Dada, bath, dog, ball, Eden." She also signs and has tried her hand at the potty.
What else have I done...hmmm...getting back to teaching post-baby was a challenge. At the end of the school year I felt like I never really got the hang of things. Juggling the kids, teaching, and dorm life was a challenge. To say it was a battle is too strong of a word but it was much more work than I thought it would be. That's not to say I didn't think it would be a lot of work. I guess I just took it for granted how independent the boys had become, and having a wee one depend on you 24/7 was exhausting! Throw in trying to be super, uber mom and I was spent.
I can tell you what I wasn't doing, and that is working out and eating right. With all three of my children I have had food cravings AFTER the baby. With E it was those pink and white circus cookies. I would keep them in my closet to hide from DQ but I went through bags and bags. I would only eat them when I was nursing. With J it was Oreo's. Again, only when I was nursing. With K it was white, sugar frosting. Anything that had that frosting that you can actually taste the granules of sugar in it was worthy of eating. Little Debbie Swiss Rolls were a big hit and usually hidden in my bedside table.
A year ago I was about 31 pounds less that I am right now. Crazy as that is I weigh more now that the day after K was born. I was svelte in the weeks and months following her birth. All those clothes in my closet I was desperate to get into finally fit and I loved getting dressed everyday. So many choices. I even wore belts almost everyday! I was not skinny by anyone's standards but I was feeling good and a mere 13 lbs from my weight of choice, the weight I feel I can stay at healthily. DQ was working out like crazy and he kept saying "We've got to do this together!" And I kept saying "I know, I know...I don't want to go back to the way I was." But alas, here I am. Again.
A day doesn't go by that I am not thinking about my weight. Even more so that I now have a daughter. Last summer DQ and I did a 5-mile run/race type thing. I was sucking wind and crying "I don't want K to feel like I do...I don't want her to have weight issues." Now I am not saying she will have weight issues but right now her favorite thing to do is go to the pantry and help herself to a snack. I also worry about J. He is built like me and the poor kid likes to eat like me. I have really worked hard this summer to make him think more about what he is eating. Hopefully upcoming life/food changes will benefit us all! As for E, he is rail thin. He had an amazing teacher this past year who spent a lot of time talking about making health choices. That really sunk in with him and he really listens to his body re: being full and what to choose to eat.
WHEW...so much to write. I told you I had a lot of thoughts to put down! Just one more!
I had a "a-ha" moment this past spring. I guess I will never be on Oprah now she is in her last season so I will share this moment with you! Here it goes: My father is a recovering alcoholic. This winter he will celebrate 3o years of sobriety. For the last 30 years of my life I have been show statistics and been told over and over about my chances of becoming an alcoholic. Aside from my father, my grandfather and older brother were/are also alcoholics so I choose not to drink. Or at least rarely drink. I have vivid memories of my dad as an alcoholic and don't want that for me kids. This year I realized that while I may not drink, I do have an addictive personality. For me, my addiction if food. (the a-ha moment I was referring to!). Having that realization was huge. HUGE! H-U-G-E! But what was I going to do about it?! I looked into going to Overeaters Anonymous but I live in a small town and would be mortified if I saw anyone I knew. But clearly looking at me you know there is a problem!
So I had that a-ha moment but what was I going to do now? Well, I worked out a couple of times here and there in the spring. I have so many issues with being outside, in the morning, alone. I took the dog with me but gave up after a few weeks. I tried really hard over the summer to eat more fruits and veggies. We were in Michigan and I felt like all we did was eat. Worked out once the entire time I was in MI.
Fast forward to now...late August...and you will have to read my next blog to find out what I am (hoping) to do!
bye for now -
HQ
